Experiencing the Dark to Embrace the Light

Welcome back to my chaos. Where I make my Chaos count and my mess truly is my message. A place where I share true life experiences and hope I can send out a message that may help even one beautiful human in this world. So sit back grab a tea or a beverage of choice and lets begin with this months chaos.

A few years ago I was told I had to have my entire colon removed and over half of my small intestine. With this I would have my anus (rectum) sewn closed. The big “C” had attaked my colon. Now I had already had an ileostomy and I was actually sitting in the office of the doctor ready to give my decision on whether I was going to keep it or have it reversed when I was told the choice had been taken away from me. Truth be known I had decided to keep it because my quality of life had improved so much I was enjoying not having to worry about shitting myself because I couldn’t find the nearest washroom. So all good!! Or was it???

This surgery was pure HELL and took me down some pretty dark roads. I had visited some pretty dark corners but I have also been introduced to some really bright lighted spaces. You have to have the dark to realize that even the slightest of light is breath taking. You see they air lifted the strongest man of my life the day I went in for preop to Calgary. My husband was on his way to get stints put in his heart. I drove up (2.5 hour drive) after I had a little visit with my team regarding my up and coming surgery the next week. I sat at his bedside once I got there and I was scared as hell. This was a total roll reversal for me. I was always the one laying in the bed while he was the strong one taking care of me. He came thru with flying colours and I was able to bring him home. With a bit of taking things easy he done well.

Now we venture back and it is my turn. This is were the pure HELL comes in to play. Mine did not go so well. I had an epidural and it did not take on my left side. When I got back to my room I could feel everything. I had so many staples on the outside and so may stitches on the inside that counting was not an option. I was very blessed with family and friends that came to visit. My hubby came of course and although taking it very slowly up and down the stairs he did notice that by the end of the 2nd week the stairs were getting a bit easier. (Great physio, Great job hon!!). During this entire situation a lot of things happened that most did not know I was aware of. As I slipped into the darkness and could not move, talk or communicate of any kind some times I could in fact hear and feel in my heart what was going on around me. Some of what went on brought pure light and joy to my heart. Hearing the wonderful conversations between family members that normally do not speak alot. If they could only feel the joy in my heart.

Then came the darkness. I was in so much pain I was slipping in and out of conciseness when my hubby came in for a visit. He seen me and was so scared and of course he reacted. To say the least all HELL broke loose. I seen a man who was so scared of loosing his wife. Others seen a man who had flipped his lid. This caused some family dynamic problems. Inner family that to this day have not been truly dealt with. Some felt they were being blamed for something that was out of their control. Not realizing no one was being blamed, all that was needed was some action on what was being neglected from the staff that already at that time I guess where over worked staff. Yup I could hear and feel in my heart all that was going on in the room. I could feel the hurt, the fear and the anger. The darkness had laid its ugly armour over my entire room.

Once we got my body on track enough that I was able to go home I was starting to see the light. Settling in at home was not an easy task. I was so happy I had and used my yoga back ground in breathing and meditation that I could work my way through the pain that still accompanied my body. Unfortunately it started to get stronger and stronger and after the 3rd trip back to the emergency room I told my hubby that I just wanted to DIE. I was done fighting. I was done with doctors. I was done with this body. I WAS DONE. Right then and there I had seen and felt the darkest of the dark. I seen the look in my hubby’s eyes and the light that hit my heart , it lluminated into my soul, that it was like a moment had stopped in time. I for a brief moment had realized what I had just said. Even I couldn’t believe what I had said. But my body had just wanted to give up.

The light that my hubby had illuminated into me gave me the strength to RISE….I WILL NOT LET MY BODY GIVE UP!!   I know this body was only lent to me but I will continue my work and take good care of it. I am not ready to let it go yet. So through the help of this amazing man and the beautiful Angels that visit and sit quiet at my bedside I will continue this fight and I will rise from the roots that I grow from.

You see the light truly does over come the darkness. We do see darkness but it allows us to intrust, embrace and grow from even the small little cracks of light.

The next time you are in a hospital room visiting a loved one don’t stop talking and embracing the joy in the room. The joy can be felt and the words can be heard even if you are not speaking directly to them. You maybe their light.

The Miracle of a Gift

Well hello, welcome to my chaos. Where I make my chaos count and my mess truly is my message.

It’s that time of the year again when everyone is running around trying to buy that prefect gift for the person who has everything. Or finding the special person on your list the gift that will top last years. We run and run and run until all of a sudden it’s all over. When I say it’s all over it’s truly what I mean. No more love thy neighbour, give to the less fortunate, show a little more kindness to the people in our lives we take for granted everyday or showing up at your parents house because you love them and want to make real memories.  Well at least not until 365 days from now anyway.

Christmas used to be my most favourite time of the year. I loved to decorate our house with snowman of all sizes.  At one time we had so many snowmen we lost count.  A lot were gifts from family and friends. Each one held a special place in our home. The tree was full of snowmen ornaments of every kind, shape and size.  As long as the tree could hold it they were hung, stuffed and propped on the tree. Then came the house. This took hours maybe even days but it was so much fun because my daughter was there to help and my son when he was home.  We had ladders and stools and chairs and of course Christmas music playing loud enough I am sure the neighbours could hear and sang along.  Family and friends came to visit and enjoy the magic and love each snowman would bring into their hearts.  We all seemed to have our favourites.

But we didn’t stop there. We ventured outside as well. This is where my husband had his shinning moment. The lights came out and so did the generators. Oh my gosh. The fun we had and the creativity, especially being we lived on an acreage.  There was alot of places to put lights and if they didn’t go high enough for people to see and enjoy he would build something.  Then the neighbour placed a friendly bet and it became a yearly competition for a few years in a row. The looser bought dinner out and we enjoyed the visit.  I don’t think there was really a looser because there was a lot of happy faces and horns honk-in as they drove by to have their turn at looking at both sets of lights.

Then as we all know things change. The family dynamics change. Children grow and decide that working on Christmas and making the extra money is more important than spending time with family. Traveling home from afar just isn’t worth the hustle and bustle. Now you might be thinking we could have gone there but like I mentioned before the family dynamics changed significantly.  It has been 2 years since I have been able to wrap my arms around my children during Christmas or any other time of the year. When you remove the most important part of Christmas “Family “ Christmas just doesn’t seem to be important anymore.  Or does it????

You see this is where my mess is my message.

Christmas may be hard for me and I may not go and do all the things but it’s still in my heart.  When you carry the love in your heart you can make every day Christmas. Your Christmas can be what you want it to be. Each year I work at making mine better and better. I am a giver. I have always carried the gift of giving in my heart and I will always hold it and cherish it. That my dear friends is what makes me me! My gift to me! Gifts come in many shapes, sizes, styles, and come sometimes when you least expect them. Those are the true gifts of love. Those are the gifts we treasure. I have received a few of those and the most amazing thing is that none of them were materialistic. Most of them came in human form. In fact they have all came in human form. They did not require me to be anything other than my true self. My husband a true gift that came when I least excepted it and has helped me through a whole lot of chaos. I will share some of that another time. I hold him so tightly woven in my heart. You could say he just might be the wrapping paper on the gift under the tree. He holds the packaging all together. My two children , even though I do not get to have them around, they are a gift I hold in my heart. All the many times they have put smiles on my face and tears of joy in my eyes. They have made me proud more times then not. My two step children no one could ask for any greater gift of joy than these two. They have shared their children as grandchildren with me . I have watched their families grow and cheered teach of them on being so proud of each of their accomplishments and strengths and felt their support all the way. No matter where life takes them I will have them in my heart. A very special gift I received over the couple years is the reunion of love with my beautiful sister and her entire family. These beautiful souls hold a great space in my heart.  They have opened places in my heart that I had closed off for many years. Sharing memories of laughter, tears, hugs and old stories while we build new ones has been a true gift of love and acceptance I hold with great honour. I am so excited to watch them grow their family and be a part of it. Over the past years I have received the gift of friendship. So many wonderful souls have touched my heart and soul and have stayed. One very extraordinary sweet beautiful unselfish spirited friend from Creston. She brings me back to the mountains every year. But mostly she brings me back to me. Her love and caring compassionate amazing heart has touched mine in ways no other could. These are the gifts we need to concentrate on. These are the gifts I hold in my heart to carry me through not only Christmas but every day.

Take this message of love during this difficult season for some, tiring season for others, and very emotional season for those like myself and know that you are not alone. Take a few minutes in a steady seat, and soften your eyes, release your shoulders away from your ears……. take a deep inhale and slowly exhale. Repeat these words “I am not alone, I have many gifts in my heart”. Repeat this as many times as you need through out any time of the year that you need and know you are not alone. Feel the warmth that lives in your heart, the gifts that have been there and will always remain there because they are your gifts, they are your memories. If for some reason the person is not by your side the miracle of the memory, the warmth of the gift will live on for enternity.

Merry Christmas Everyone,

From my heart to yours

XO

I am Not Lost...We are not Lost

Hello and Welcome back to My Chaos…where I make my Chaos count and my mess really is my Message…

Have you ever been in a place where you have been told you are not who you are, or you need to change because you need to find yourself.  Have you ever been bullied?

Today’s blog I will share a real-life situation that happened to me this past year.  So, hang on to your hat pour your favourite drink and get ready for some chaos and the message that follows the mess. 

Being a 56-year-old woman I like to think I know who I am and I really don’t need to go and find myself.  But I love to learn.  I love to take courses so I can learn to support women, humans and help anyone live a more pain free life. So, I set out to look for a way to gather in more like-minded women and maybe start a women’s circle.  Not knowing a whole lot about it I put it out to the universe and started searching on the all mighty internet.  After searching I found what I believed to be a beautiful woman that not only offered knowledge in women circles, she also offered yoga therapy training and she was close. I didn’t have to travel across the country.   Well yoga therapy was a great add on , extension to everything I was already doing. This would add more text, more offerings to my own offerings and like I mentioned before…I love to learn and the body fancinates me. And if there is a way I can learn to help someone live a more painfree life I am in. I had never heard of this woman nor had I ever met her. So I thought I would look into her background on what I could see on social media and a website. She is a woman who supports woman.  One box checked off. She brings women together, 2 boxes checked off. Seems she is all about everything I believe in.  I am not a private detective, nor should I be.  So, all good.  So, let’s sign up. We had a zoom meeting to introduce our selves.  I thought it went well.  To my surprise later I was the only participant that had a zoom meeting before starting.  At least from what I can remember. 

First class.  Going great.  Or is it.  From the get-go once I arrive I have that uneasy feeling but brush it off as “Really’Evie.” As time went on and classes go on more and more, I feel and see the bullying.  In fact during a practicum this instructor comes across the room while I was teaching and slams her hands down on my lap and says, “Where the Fuck is Evie” …I replied I was right there!. Well through the tears that were streaming down my face I completed my practicum teaching.  This happened more times in the future classes.  Most of the classes I completed I felt I was never really doing anything correct and my teaching was incorrect or not good enough. I was always told I needed to change my voice, I needed to change how I presented my self in a room. I needed to be a much harder type of teacher. I sat and tried to make sense of this. You see there was 3 other beautiful women in this training with me.  At that time, I came with over two thousand hours of yoga training and these women had not completed any. I couldn’t understand. I am not saying that they could not teach or didn’t understand. I am stating I felt I knew a bit more and had a bit more experience of the asanas and how to teach and pronounce them then they did. This instructor made a statement to me during a phone call after one of our epeisodes when I had returned home. She stated “I didn’t think you would have come back”,  I replied , “You may think you know me, but I am no quitter.”   Over the next couple months, I felt things moving, not greatly just moving.  The constant I needed to change, I needed to really look and find myself because this woman that she had only met a few times was not Evie. This woman was more of an imposter. We had our monthly online meetings where we discussed our assignments and our practicum assignments.  We always ended with sharing any exciting news that had happened or that is coming up.   We all shared our exciting news.  I too had great news to share this particular tme.  I shared how I was asked by a team to put together a teacher training to teach yoga teachers to teach yoga to Crohns and Colitis thrivers and their supporters. By the time I was done I had a text from her asking me to meet with her on a phone call in the morning. 

The next morning, I received a call from her and I was kicked out of the training.  I was not given any notice, no money was refunded, (not all money was paid but over $3000 was), all access to the platform was removed. I was shocked to say the least.  How could this woman tell me I was kicked out of a training and give the reasoning she gave.  The following reason as she stating to me, I had no background to do a therapy training for Crohn's Disease.  …I should have come to her first…as my mentor, she should have been the first person I was to discuss this with.  Well one, having Crohn’s for over 46 years, I feel that right there gave me an entire life time of experience.  They wouldn’t have asked me to do such a thing if they did not know how I have used yoga during the many years of life with Crohn's.  How they themselves, seen how yoga and all the modalities related to yoga made me begin living a life with less pain.  The mentor issue…she had not earned that badge and never will.  Coming to her…I have a family.

The message of this mess is, I found even at the age 56 you can be bullied and made to feel small so someone else could feel big.  Stand in your own power and know that at any age you are not lost.  You do not need someone to tell you how you need to change in order to become the person “they” think you should be.  Everything you are looking for is always inside of you.  You don’t need to be bullied into feeling the only way you can be important in someone’s eyes is become some else.  To discard your own beliefs of who you are is like letting go of yourself one piece at a time.  No one has the right to tell you who you should be, how you should talk, how you should be “YOU”

There is only one person in this world that is perfect and strong at being you and that is “YOU”. You are the perfect person for the job.  You are the best version of your self and loving who you are is one of the strongest loves you can grow. 

I actually thank the people in my life that show me and teach me these hard lessons. 

Sending Love

Evie

LOVING MY BODY

Loving My Body!!!!

I read a poem by “Hollie Holden” the other day and it reminded me so much of the journey I have traveled most of my life as a daughter, wife, mother, and how my life as a yoga instructor, yoga therapist and meditation teacher has evolved. 

“Today I asked my body what she needed, which is a big deal Considering my journey of Not Really Asking That Much. I thought she might need more water. Or protein. Or greens. Or yoga. Or supplements. Or movement. But as I stood in the shower Reflecting on her stretch marks, her roundness where I would like flatness, her softness where I would like firmness, All those conditioned wishes That form a bundle of Never-Quite-Right-Ness, She whispered very gently: Could you just love me like this?”  ~Hollie Holden

You see 46 years ago I was diagnosed with 1 of 4 diseases that I live with.  But this disease Crohn's, has left this body as a battle ground of scars both on the outside and deep on the inside that only a warrioress can rise from. If you have this disease or know any one who thrives forward you know what I am talking about.

One day I too stood in the shower and after showered, I opened the door and in front on me stood a mirror holding my reflection. Tears came to my eyes as they began to stream down my face like a river with no end. My heart began to crack open.  My eyes looked at this frail body yet round and swollen in places.  Scarred with needle marks all over my hands and down the inside of my arms like tracks. This from the many times I gave blood and or had IV hooked up for surgery after surgery. Or each time I was hooked up to an IV tube to get treatment that was and did keep me alive.  My eyes then lowered and looked at the black and blue needle marks on my left side .  This is where I give myself my needles. Then over to the right where I see a bag of shit hanging off my skin.  An ileostomy pouch, that takes up the entire right side not allowing me to alternate my Thursday needles from side to side. I have no colon, and only a small portion of my small intestine.  The scars from the many times I had been cut open from top to bottom or from side to side.  The red lines that showed each mark from each staple that was so strategically placed.  The stretch marks from gaining weight from having beautiful baby’s to gaining weight from the side effect of medication.  The saggy skin from losing so much weight from not being able to eat. From losing all I could eat either via vomiting or the pouch so quickly filling.  I fell to the floor as I continued to cry I ask myself, who would ever “LOVE” anyone who looked like this? Yet all the other scars that are un seen from this image.

I sat curled up in a towel cold and wet, tears still flowing like a river with no end insite.  Like the poem above I realized that this body of mine has gone through HELL in a hand basket.  I have cried, I have fallen, I have almost said good bye to this world, (a story for another day).

But this wonderful amazing body deserves gratitude.  And all it wants is to be loved. All I want is to be loved.  I deserve to be loved.  You deserve to be loved.  

This journey did not happen overnight and don’t let anyone ever tell you that it does. It came with hard work and dedication. I learned so much about myself throughout this journey.  I also learned so much about the people around me.  If the beautiful beings around you don’t celebrate your accomplishments big or small then maybe they need not be there. You can love your amazing body for everything it can or cannot do and you can celebrate it to the fullest with ALL the people who are on your team.

There are so many modalities available to you that can help you on to the right journey of loving yourself and working through your Chaos and loving yourself through it.

Meditation and Breath work are one of my go to modalities.  I also love to journal.  What I journal is something only I know and I can get it out and know it is in a safe place.  I some times burn my paper as a way of saying good bye. 

Giving gratitude for this body that brings you here is of the greatest of gratitude's you could give yourself.  This amazing body needs you to love “YOU”. A great way to start is “Self-Love” When you fully love yourself then you can fully love others.   I have gifted you with a “Self-Love” guided Nidra I hope you enjoy and I whole heartedly hope it brings you Peace and Love with this Beautiful Body of Yours. 

Sending so much Love

Evie

Welcome to My Chaos!

Every year, you hear more people start doing yoga. Maybe it’s your friend, a coworker, or a family member. There’s something magnetic about the practice, that makes everyone instantly attracted to it.

Although it’s getting more and more popular, yoga is much more than just a trend. Even if people go to their first class because they’ve seen others do it - that’s not why they stay.

When you go for your first yoga practice, you might think it will improve only one aspect of your life. Perhaps you do it for its physical benefits, or because you want to incorporate some type of spiritual practice into your life. But soon you realize it seems to affect every aspect of your being - and that’s exactly what it is intended to do.

The True Importance Of the B R E A T H

Old yogis understood that humans are physical, mental, and spiritual beings. They developed yoga in an effort to help harmonize all three levels of our beings. True yoga in India didn’t develop only around physical exercise. It was primarily a spiritual practice focused on the development of virtues that help us reach our highest potential, and find purpose in our life.

Still, even if you only practice the physical postures or asanas, you will see a change in all three levels of your being. That’s not only a promise coming from subjective experiences of practitioners, it is also something that we can and have proven by science today.

Physical yoga practice is a form of education about living a better life. On the mat, we become aware of our body and our movement. We connect to our breath and learn to control it. The breath serves as a sort of bridge between our physical body, our mind, and our spiritual self. You can experience that as soon as you start controlling your breath. And you don’t have to believe us to our word - you can try it right now.

Start deepening your breath. That means your inhales and exhales get longer, and you activate all the organs involved in the breathing action. As you inhale, lift both your belly and chest and try to make your exhalation longer than your inhale. Only after a couple of moments, you will experience a sense of calm, your thoughts will be quieter, and you will enter a state of meditation. Try closing your eyes, and breathe for a minute or two.

Now, in only a few moments of conscious breathing, you have experienced the true importance of yoga. Without any preparation - you have managed to connect your body, your mind, and your spiritual presence.

When we start practicing yoga regularly, we learn of this control over our bodies. We learn we are able to calm ourselves down, heal our pains, and become aware of the present moment. This happens even if we’re not aware of it, but it does become more significant when we are conscious of what we're doing.

After you learn to connect your breath, movement, thoughts, and emotions during a one-hour yoga class, you can begin to take that skill and incorporate it into life off the mat.

That’s the true importance of yoga. When you learn this important knowledge, you will see the benefits in your everyday life, and your well-being will improve.

The breath fansinates me. The power of the breath. The pranic body. The energy body. How we can go to our breath to find calmness amongst chaos. Today was Mental Health Awareness day, my life is one journey after another of chaos, anxiety, excitement, joy, hard work, love , emotional rollercoasters. I find the saying rings true “ Yoga is the journey of the self, through the self , to the self.”- The Bhagavad Gita. Join me on my newly launched blog while I share with you my chaos and how I have learned to B R E A T H E my way through it.