Experiencing the Dark to Embrace the Light

Welcome back to my chaos. Where I make my Chaos count and my mess truly is my message. A place where I share true life experiences and hope I can send out a message that may help even one beautiful human in this world. So sit back grab a tea or a beverage of choice and lets begin with this months chaos.

A few years ago I was told I had to have my entire colon removed and over half of my small intestine. With this I would have my anus (rectum) sewn closed. The big “C” had attaked my colon. Now I had already had an ileostomy and I was actually sitting in the office of the doctor ready to give my decision on whether I was going to keep it or have it reversed when I was told the choice had been taken away from me. Truth be known I had decided to keep it because my quality of life had improved so much I was enjoying not having to worry about shitting myself because I couldn’t find the nearest washroom. So all good!! Or was it???

This surgery was pure HELL and took me down some pretty dark roads. I had visited some pretty dark corners but I have also been introduced to some really bright lighted spaces. You have to have the dark to realize that even the slightest of light is breath taking. You see they air lifted the strongest man of my life the day I went in for preop to Calgary. My husband was on his way to get stints put in his heart. I drove up (2.5 hour drive) after I had a little visit with my team regarding my up and coming surgery the next week. I sat at his bedside once I got there and I was scared as hell. This was a total roll reversal for me. I was always the one laying in the bed while he was the strong one taking care of me. He came thru with flying colours and I was able to bring him home. With a bit of taking things easy he done well.

Now we venture back and it is my turn. This is were the pure HELL comes in to play. Mine did not go so well. I had an epidural and it did not take on my left side. When I got back to my room I could feel everything. I had so many staples on the outside and so may stitches on the inside that counting was not an option. I was very blessed with family and friends that came to visit. My hubby came of course and although taking it very slowly up and down the stairs he did notice that by the end of the 2nd week the stairs were getting a bit easier. (Great physio, Great job hon!!). During this entire situation a lot of things happened that most did not know I was aware of. As I slipped into the darkness and could not move, talk or communicate of any kind some times I could in fact hear and feel in my heart what was going on around me. Some of what went on brought pure light and joy to my heart. Hearing the wonderful conversations between family members that normally do not speak alot. If they could only feel the joy in my heart.

Then came the darkness. I was in so much pain I was slipping in and out of conciseness when my hubby came in for a visit. He seen me and was so scared and of course he reacted. To say the least all HELL broke loose. I seen a man who was so scared of loosing his wife. Others seen a man who had flipped his lid. This caused some family dynamic problems. Inner family that to this day have not been truly dealt with. Some felt they were being blamed for something that was out of their control. Not realizing no one was being blamed, all that was needed was some action on what was being neglected from the staff that already at that time I guess where over worked staff. Yup I could hear and feel in my heart all that was going on in the room. I could feel the hurt, the fear and the anger. The darkness had laid its ugly armour over my entire room.

Once we got my body on track enough that I was able to go home I was starting to see the light. Settling in at home was not an easy task. I was so happy I had and used my yoga back ground in breathing and meditation that I could work my way through the pain that still accompanied my body. Unfortunately it started to get stronger and stronger and after the 3rd trip back to the emergency room I told my hubby that I just wanted to DIE. I was done fighting. I was done with doctors. I was done with this body. I WAS DONE. Right then and there I had seen and felt the darkest of the dark. I seen the look in my hubby’s eyes and the light that hit my heart , it lluminated into my soul, that it was like a moment had stopped in time. I for a brief moment had realized what I had just said. Even I couldn’t believe what I had said. But my body had just wanted to give up.

The light that my hubby had illuminated into me gave me the strength to RISE….I WILL NOT LET MY BODY GIVE UP!!   I know this body was only lent to me but I will continue my work and take good care of it. I am not ready to let it go yet. So through the help of this amazing man and the beautiful Angels that visit and sit quiet at my bedside I will continue this fight and I will rise from the roots that I grow from.

You see the light truly does over come the darkness. We do see darkness but it allows us to intrust, embrace and grow from even the small little cracks of light.

The next time you are in a hospital room visiting a loved one don’t stop talking and embracing the joy in the room. The joy can be felt and the words can be heard even if you are not speaking directly to them. You maybe their light.