LOVING MY BODY
Loving My Body!!!!
I read a poem by “Hollie Holden” the other day and it reminded me so much of the journey I have traveled most of my life as a daughter, wife, mother, and how my life as a yoga instructor, yoga therapist and meditation teacher has evolved.
“Today I asked my body what she needed, which is a big deal Considering my journey of Not Really Asking That Much. I thought she might need more water. Or protein. Or greens. Or yoga. Or supplements. Or movement. But as I stood in the shower Reflecting on her stretch marks, her roundness where I would like flatness, her softness where I would like firmness, All those conditioned wishes That form a bundle of Never-Quite-Right-Ness, She whispered very gently: Could you just love me like this?” ~Hollie Holden
You see 46 years ago I was diagnosed with 1 of 4 diseases that I live with. But this disease Crohn's, has left this body as a battle ground of scars both on the outside and deep on the inside that only a warrioress can rise from. If you have this disease or know any one who thrives forward you know what I am talking about.
One day I too stood in the shower and after showered, I opened the door and in front on me stood a mirror holding my reflection. Tears came to my eyes as they began to stream down my face like a river with no end. My heart began to crack open. My eyes looked at this frail body yet round and swollen in places. Scarred with needle marks all over my hands and down the inside of my arms like tracks. This from the many times I gave blood and or had IV hooked up for surgery after surgery. Or each time I was hooked up to an IV tube to get treatment that was and did keep me alive. My eyes then lowered and looked at the black and blue needle marks on my left side . This is where I give myself my needles. Then over to the right where I see a bag of shit hanging off my skin. An ileostomy pouch, that takes up the entire right side not allowing me to alternate my Thursday needles from side to side. I have no colon, and only a small portion of my small intestine. The scars from the many times I had been cut open from top to bottom or from side to side. The red lines that showed each mark from each staple that was so strategically placed. The stretch marks from gaining weight from having beautiful baby’s to gaining weight from the side effect of medication. The saggy skin from losing so much weight from not being able to eat. From losing all I could eat either via vomiting or the pouch so quickly filling. I fell to the floor as I continued to cry I ask myself, who would ever “LOVE” anyone who looked like this? Yet all the other scars that are un seen from this image.
I sat curled up in a towel cold and wet, tears still flowing like a river with no end insite. Like the poem above I realized that this body of mine has gone through HELL in a hand basket. I have cried, I have fallen, I have almost said good bye to this world, (a story for another day).
But this wonderful amazing body deserves gratitude. And all it wants is to be loved. All I want is to be loved. I deserve to be loved. You deserve to be loved.
This journey did not happen overnight and don’t let anyone ever tell you that it does. It came with hard work and dedication. I learned so much about myself throughout this journey. I also learned so much about the people around me. If the beautiful beings around you don’t celebrate your accomplishments big or small then maybe they need not be there. You can love your amazing body for everything it can or cannot do and you can celebrate it to the fullest with ALL the people who are on your team.
There are so many modalities available to you that can help you on to the right journey of loving yourself and working through your Chaos and loving yourself through it.
Meditation and Breath work are one of my go to modalities. I also love to journal. What I journal is something only I know and I can get it out and know it is in a safe place. I some times burn my paper as a way of saying good bye.
Giving gratitude for this body that brings you here is of the greatest of gratitude's you could give yourself. This amazing body needs you to love “YOU”. A great way to start is “Self-Love” When you fully love yourself then you can fully love others. I have gifted you with a “Self-Love” guided Nidra I hope you enjoy and I whole heartedly hope it brings you Peace and Love with this Beautiful Body of Yours.
Sending so much Love
Evie