I am Not Lost...We are not Lost
Hello and Welcome back to My Chaos…where I make my Chaos count and my mess really is my Message…
Have you ever been in a place where you have been told you are not who you are, or you need to change because you need to find yourself. Have you ever been bullied?
Today’s blog I will share a real-life situation that happened to me this past year. So, hang on to your hat pour your favourite drink and get ready for some chaos and the message that follows the mess.
Being a 56-year-old woman I like to think I know who I am and I really don’t need to go and find myself. But I love to learn. I love to take courses so I can learn to support women, humans and help anyone live a more pain free life. So, I set out to look for a way to gather in more like-minded women and maybe start a women’s circle. Not knowing a whole lot about it I put it out to the universe and started searching on the all mighty internet. After searching I found what I believed to be a beautiful woman that not only offered knowledge in women circles, she also offered yoga therapy training and she was close. I didn’t have to travel across the country. Well yoga therapy was a great add on , extension to everything I was already doing. This would add more text, more offerings to my own offerings and like I mentioned before…I love to learn and the body fancinates me. And if there is a way I can learn to help someone live a more painfree life I am in. I had never heard of this woman nor had I ever met her. So I thought I would look into her background on what I could see on social media and a website. She is a woman who supports woman. One box checked off. She brings women together, 2 boxes checked off. Seems she is all about everything I believe in. I am not a private detective, nor should I be. So, all good. So, let’s sign up. We had a zoom meeting to introduce our selves. I thought it went well. To my surprise later I was the only participant that had a zoom meeting before starting. At least from what I can remember.
First class. Going great. Or is it. From the get-go once I arrive I have that uneasy feeling but brush it off as “Really’Evie.” As time went on and classes go on more and more, I feel and see the bullying. In fact during a practicum this instructor comes across the room while I was teaching and slams her hands down on my lap and says, “Where the Fuck is Evie” …I replied I was right there!. Well through the tears that were streaming down my face I completed my practicum teaching. This happened more times in the future classes. Most of the classes I completed I felt I was never really doing anything correct and my teaching was incorrect or not good enough. I was always told I needed to change my voice, I needed to change how I presented my self in a room. I needed to be a much harder type of teacher. I sat and tried to make sense of this. You see there was 3 other beautiful women in this training with me. At that time, I came with over two thousand hours of yoga training and these women had not completed any. I couldn’t understand. I am not saying that they could not teach or didn’t understand. I am stating I felt I knew a bit more and had a bit more experience of the asanas and how to teach and pronounce them then they did. This instructor made a statement to me during a phone call after one of our epeisodes when I had returned home. She stated “I didn’t think you would have come back”, I replied , “You may think you know me, but I am no quitter.” Over the next couple months, I felt things moving, not greatly just moving. The constant I needed to change, I needed to really look and find myself because this woman that she had only met a few times was not Evie. This woman was more of an imposter. We had our monthly online meetings where we discussed our assignments and our practicum assignments. We always ended with sharing any exciting news that had happened or that is coming up. We all shared our exciting news. I too had great news to share this particular tme. I shared how I was asked by a team to put together a teacher training to teach yoga teachers to teach yoga to Crohns and Colitis thrivers and their supporters. By the time I was done I had a text from her asking me to meet with her on a phone call in the morning.
The next morning, I received a call from her and I was kicked out of the training. I was not given any notice, no money was refunded, (not all money was paid but over $3000 was), all access to the platform was removed. I was shocked to say the least. How could this woman tell me I was kicked out of a training and give the reasoning she gave. The following reason as she stating to me, I had no background to do a therapy training for Crohn's Disease. …I should have come to her first…as my mentor, she should have been the first person I was to discuss this with. Well one, having Crohn’s for over 46 years, I feel that right there gave me an entire life time of experience. They wouldn’t have asked me to do such a thing if they did not know how I have used yoga during the many years of life with Crohn's. How they themselves, seen how yoga and all the modalities related to yoga made me begin living a life with less pain. The mentor issue…she had not earned that badge and never will. Coming to her…I have a family.
The message of this mess is, I found even at the age 56 you can be bullied and made to feel small so someone else could feel big. Stand in your own power and know that at any age you are not lost. You do not need someone to tell you how you need to change in order to become the person “they” think you should be. Everything you are looking for is always inside of you. You don’t need to be bullied into feeling the only way you can be important in someone’s eyes is become some else. To discard your own beliefs of who you are is like letting go of yourself one piece at a time. No one has the right to tell you who you should be, how you should talk, how you should be “YOU”
There is only one person in this world that is perfect and strong at being you and that is “YOU”. You are the perfect person for the job. You are the best version of your self and loving who you are is one of the strongest loves you can grow.
I actually thank the people in my life that show me and teach me these hard lessons.
Sending Love
Evie